Depression.....

Depression
~ I used to think people just needed to pray more instead of being sad
~ didn't always understand why people needed medication, they just need faith
~ how seasons can really affect moods
~ you don't feel like yourself at all
~ you can't just 'snap' out of it
~ all the commercials are right about having to 'wind' yourself up just to get out of bed
Depression
~a word I never thought would pertain to me....or my husband

I am a firm believer that everything in this life happens for a reason. I think Mike's diagnosis is truly starting to sink in. At first for a while it was still the shock factor. But now watching him slip into this depression is so hard to watch, it's just not my Mike. And don't get me wrong, we both have really great days, but neither of us feel 'normal.' I keep telling myself, things could be SO much worse, so many others are battling cancer. I keep telling myself, Mike's body is changing, not mine. This has got to be so hard for him. But I just can't get rid of this depression/anxiety. Every pain in my body, I think something horrible is wrong with me. Every time the kids don't feel good, I obsess about it and wonder if something might happen to them. I've never had this before.

So this must be one of the reasons Mike has MS. This will be just one of the GOOD things to come out of this. I will and DO have a better understanding for people who struggle with depression and anxiety. I will be able to help my patients, or family, or friends with their struggles. I will admit, even after working with patients for 5 years, I never truly understood depression/anxiety, until now. And I hope and pray as time goes on, I will become stronger and will be able to overcome this.

I'm writing such personal things now because I feel so helpless. I want to have my old self back, and my husband back. I've been trying so hard to plan fun things, watch funny movies, I've been avoiding talking to Mike about how he physically feels. He is so frustrated, so worn out, feels like no one understands what he's going through. Even though the last round of steroids worked well, we constantly wonder when will he flare-up again. And even though the numbness is better, he feels drained, weak. So I'm writing all these personal things tonight, because we need prayer. No funny movie, or trip to the mall, will help us through this like prayer will.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for prayers! We really appreciate everyone in our lives. And I pray for anyone out there who struggles with depression/anxiety...we are not alone! :)

Kim